12 mins read

Leoni Online: The Articles — The Tonight Show Transcript

Jay Leno: My first guest — a very talented and funny actress, she`s currently starring in the new movie “The Family Man” with Nicolas Cage, it opens this Friday, please welcome Tea Leoni! [applause and cheers from audience] How are you doll? How are you? You look good! [Andrea`s note–more said, but very low, can`t make out what it is.] Good to see ya!

Tea Leoni: Thank you.

JL-Good, I haven`t seen you in a long time–you`re a married woman–you and David Duchovny–what happened to your fin…he didn`t hit you, did he? Why–that animal…now what happened there?

[Andrea`s note–2 of Tea`s fingers on her right hand, I believe, are taped together!]

TL-[she giggles.] I like that Jay, umm, [clears throat] I`ve been working on “Jurassic Park III”.

JL-Oh, okay!


JL-Did a dinosaur do that?

TL-No, this is nothing. You should see him, I really got him right in the kisser!

JL-Yeah, that looks like a pretty mean hook too–especially when you go like this part [Jay gestures a punch–laughs from the audience]–that`s it, that`ll keep the guys away pretty much, yeah.

TL-[she giggles.]

JL-`Cause I haven`t seen you–you married David, and then he took you off somewhere, and what happened?

TL-No, we`ve just been, uhh, we`ve been making house, you know…

JL-Making house…right.

TL-…making a family. We, we got a house up north of LA, north of Malibu, right where the umm, remember, like in `92, all the fires that went through…

JL-Oh yeah, land is pretty cheap there.

TL-[giggles] Yeah. [laughs from audience] We got a house right there…

JL-The trees are all about this tall now–yeah.

TL-…yeah, and uhh, we`ve just sort of been filling it up and you know…

JL-With what?

TL-…wood furniture, you know.

JL-Good, good, good. [laughs from audience]

TL-Ready to go down like that, yeah. But, umm, it`s been really fun, yeah.

JL-Is it a wood house?

TL-Yeah, it is…[she giggles] a wood house!

JL-Maybe throw a lamp over the light before you go out…

TL-Yeah, yeah.

JL-…maybe throw a jacket over the lamp before you go out.

TL-Yeah, that`ll be me running out with–anyway, but no, it`s fine, and uhh, the thing is, that when you, when you get pregnant, what they don`t really tell you is that right when, as you give birth to the baby, one half of your brain pops out right behind it, so [laughs from audience]–never to be seen or heard from again.

JL-Really–now, why do you say that, what is that based on?

TL-Well, it`s just that I got stupid–[laughs from audience] I did. I mean, I don`t know if we can have any more children…that`ll be–

JL-[Jay giggles] How about marrying [he giggles more]–well did you, did you remember to vote?

TL-[she pauses a few seconds] Oh–[big laughs from audience]

JL-We had an election, I know you probably didn`t get out…

TL-Yes, yes.

JL-Did you vote?

TL-Uhh, sort of.

JL-Now what do you mean, sort of? Were you in Florida? Whaddya mean…

TL-[she laughs–big laughs and applause from the audience] No, no, but I uhh, should move there–no, I umm, got an absentee ballot, and I, left it at home–[giggles] and I, actually David and I got home from work about midnight, the night before the election–[Andrea`s note–that would be Monday, Nov. 6th] and I opened up the ballot, and they give you a little workbook, you know, to sort of practice–

JL-Like a think and do kind of thing?

TL-Yes, so you can circle in your answers before…

JL-Right. Practice before you make your final selection.

TL-…yes, before you actually get the voting card out and punch it–chips–chips–punch chips…[Andrea`s note–Tea`s *really* having trouble here getting the right word out correctly! Funny!]


TL-Chads! [big giggles from audience] Umm, that was a close one! [audience still laughing!] Umm, and so I got out my book, and I`m not embarrased to say I think we know now that just slightly more that half of America would agree with me–I circled Gore–[Andrea`s note–Yay Tea! Though he lost the election eventually to Bush–after the whole fiasco in Florida–not good IMO. Gore in 2004!] and uhh, and I was all ready, and I got out the voter card, and uhh–bang! I voted for `Howard`.

JL-[confused laughter from audience–I`m confused too! There was no one named `Howard` running for president!–Andrea] Who`s Howard? I didn`t know there was a Howard on the…[more laughs from audience]

TL-I don`t even know if its `Mr.` Howard, Mr. `Paul` Howard, or `Howard`s`–I voted for `Howard`. [laughs from audience] And umm…

JL-Wait, didn`t you just say you checked?

TL-Yes, I did it, and I, and I circled Gore, and he was #9, and `Howard` was 7, and at midnight–7, 9,–[Tea makes a noise with her tongue–more laughs from audience] so uhh, but it was very funny because I felt very nervous and embarrased to even admit to David that I had done this, and I sort of worked up the nerve, and I said, “Honey, I uhh–I voted for `Howard`!” [laughs from audience] And David said, “Well, you just voted for him–you didn`t sleep with him, right?” [big laughs from the audience] And that`s very funny David, thanks–now what? And so, then I, then I popped Gore, thinking, you know, that would…

JL-You could go back–

TL-…because I didn`t want to vote for anybody else, and this is the way to do it, and then I thought, “Oh my God, that`s gonna read like–`I just didn`t want *these* two guys`–so I woke up again at 3 in the morning, and umm, voted for everybody! [lots of laughter now from audience]

JL-Now, this is how Russia became communist.

TL-And, but listen–but listen, you know, I thought about it, and it`s my vote, you know, I should be able to vote for as many people as I want.

JL-Sure, sure I think so–it`s a good theory…

TL-Yeah, you know, and I, and then they did the recount in Florida, and I remember the guy going through the sheets that they couldn`t quite make out, and there was one other guy in Florida, who also voted for everybody–[laughs from audience] so that`s, you know, sheesh, felt a lot better about that.

JL-I`m sorry–how much of your brain did you say you lost with the baby?

TL-[laughs] Yeah, like I said-half.

JL-Just half?

TL-Just half. Yeah.

JL-Very troubling–no, no, I`m teasing.


JL-Now, you`re in this terrific new movie, but you`re back, and you`re doing like this, and you`re very sexy in this movie, because you play this sexy girl in the movie–the movie is “Family Man”, but tell people what it`s about–is it a Christmas story, I guess?

TL-Ahh, it is. It`s a great holiday classic. It sort of reaffirms the simple life, and uhh, it`s very reminiscent of “It`s A Wonderful Life”, and–

JL-Except for a very sexy shower scene!

TL-Welll, yes–I don`t know if it`s a *sexy* shower scene–

JL-I`m a guy, and I know a little something about this movie–and I know this is not a punching holes in the ballot–yes, this is–

TL-Well, yes, it`s “It`s A Wonderful Life” with nudity–yeah…

JL-With nudity, just imagine, as if Donna Reed were naked basically.

TL-…it`s better, yes, that`s no problem.

JL-And you look great, by the way, you look very sexy in the shower…

TL-Welll, there`s just a *little* thing about that, because well, when I filmed this, this “Family Man”, I had just had a baby, and I had *physical* concerns, and –[snorts] you know, I mean, I gained sixty pounds, I was a beefcake!

JL-Really? [laughs from audience]

TL-Yeah, everything about the Burger King, in that chicken–oh God, anyway–so [audience laughs] umm, and I had moral concerns, you know, from doing a piece with my child, you know…

JL-Moral concerns?

TL-…and then I had this director, Brett Redner (sp?), a rather young, sort of randy kind of guy–

JL-That`s English for horny.

TL-Yes, that`s English for horny. [laughs from audience] And I didn`t know how we would shoot this scene, and I hadn`t seen the set, and he said, “Glass door”, and I said, “Body double!” Ha!

JL-And so that wasn`t you?

TL-Well no, so we ended up actually I, when I got there, now Jay–keep your shirt on–and so when I got there, the glass door`s a little fuzzy, you know, so uhh…


TL-…but they had the body double, we shot it both ways, and that`s really funny–because if you work with a body double, you know, you want to sort of talk them through what your character`s like, and…


TL-…what your character would do, and it`s a shower scene, and you know, I`ve got to tell her what to wash, or how to wash it–[audience laughs] you know, and I told her, you know, I`m really, I really want you to just “Wash baby–like, `go for it!`” And I, I believe she did.

JL-Well, let`s see–here`s the clip–let`s take a look. Here`s the scene we`re talking about here, now Nic has got–he doesn`t know [Andrea`s note–starts to show the shower scene while Jay & Tea look at it]–he`s never seen you naked before?

TL-No, well, he`s sort of getting a glimpse of the life…

JL-Could`ve been…

TL-..could`ve been if we`d been together.

{Andrea`s Note–scene continues and audience watches. Nicolas Cage-[knocks on door] Hello? [there is a baby crying, and music blaring in the background–he opens the door–Tea is singing a song very loudly with the music] TL-“Am I hard enough, am I rough enough, am I rich enough…” [continues singing in shower–hasn`t heard NC come in yet] NC-Hello? Hey! TL-[opens shower door] What? NC-That baby`s crying. TL-And? [gives him an inquisitive look] Don`t give me that look Jack–this is your day and you know it! Now listen, try to get Josh to daycare on time, okay? [closes shower door and continues singing the song] TL-“You`re a pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, such a pretty boy…” [scene ends–audience cheers and applauds wildly]}

JL-Oh, oh, (?) you see, the nice thing about a body double is, it`s an exact double, so you, so you can–

TL-Yeah–[snorts] yeah, I don`t know who that is Jay–

JL-Really? Could you find out for me? Anyway, the film is called “Family Man”, it opens Friday, right?


JL-Terrific! Well, welcome back, nice to see you again–Tea Leoni, thank you Tea! Be right back with Giovanni Ribisi, right after this!